If you’ve read my previous post regarding life in your 30’s, you might be sensing a theme.
You’re not wrong.
A series with all things that never went according to plan in my life could work (note to self 🧠).
Questions about marriage and having kids started somewhere around my early twenties and never seemed to stop.
“You’ll want to have kids with the right person”.
“When the moment comes, you’ll know”.
“If the time’s right, you’ll feel it”.
“When are you going to give me a grandson?”
“You’re not getting any younger!”
“Aren’t you afraid that he’ll leave you?”
“You’ll regret not having kids when you could.”
“A woman is not fulfilled without kids.”
“You will only know true love when you become a mother.”
“A woman without a child is less of a woman”
These are the types of reactions that come up, one way or another, whenever this topic finds its way into a dinner party, just to ruin my dessert, a casual visit to my parents, a cocktail party or a simple talk with friends.
I have the same answer as always, when people ask me if I want to have kids: “no, not for the moment”. It’s been the same for almost 20 years. I haven’t changed my mind, yet everyone expected it of me.
I cleverly hid a small window for change in my answer. I left it open toward the future. And that is equally true. While the almighty bio clock spared me until now for some reason, when I’ll hear it ticking or have a sudden change of heart, I’ll get on the baby making treadmill. Pinkie promise!
Until then, I’m fine, thank you.
No, it’s never about the “perfect” time or person.
There’s no such thing.
No, I don’t think I’m missing out.
My life is full and I have so much to look forward to already, just like everybody else.
No, I don’t think my guy is going to leave me for this.
I’m not lying to him, giving him false hopes of the future or using a pregnancy to keep him. He is free to love and live however he wants, with no compromises whatsoever. Lucky for me, he chooses yours truly, everyday!
No, my life’s mission is not to provide future branches to the family tree.
Honestly, it’s not a fantastic one to begin with! But I will not let you manipulate me into thinking having kids will make me a good daughter, a good partner, a good woman.
Voluntarily childless sounds like a disease, not a choice
It also emerges with other people’s opinions on how to live your life, their pity, disgust or confusion, all paired with a head-tilt and squinted eyes. Especially from other women.
I don’t know if motherhood will be part of my identity, but I know it will not define me entirely.
Not knowing is fine with me, so there’s no point in anybody else stressing about it.
I’m not a failure, a freak, a villain or a selfish person.
Don’t assume that of me.
Don’t assume that the reason for my not having kids is because I can’t. Infertility is not something you project on another person.
That, as well as confusion, vulnerability, health concerns or other inner demons are private. Sensitive. Uncomfortable. We do need a better stage for normalizing conversations around tough topics, but that’s another story.
The truth is I don’t know if I want kids or not
And that is OK.
I know for a fact I have top notch skills for a godmother or a crazy fun aunt. I nailed that part some time ago.
But as for the rest of it, it’s still TBD. People talk about “my future children” like it’s a given. For me, it never was.
Do you ever think about your life like it’s a video game where you have multiple levels that you have to reach? Do you feel it’s getting harder and harder as you get better at jumping through hoops and dodging bullets? You’re not alone! Do you do a victory dance for every shiny bonus point that comes with each lesson you learn and new armor you win? Hell yeah!!
Friends, I might not make it to the KIDS Level.
I might choose another path and go on to battle other pesky monsters (pun intended – couldn’t help it).
But that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to play like a pro or enjoy the adventure.
I assure you my life is full of love.
The real kind.